Let go”sometimes you have to smell the roses no matter how many times they make you sneeze”
This world gave me way more pain than I could have ever bargained for or predicted. The denial, the grief, the anger and the sadness . That’s what the last 8 years felt like . First I didn’t understand what was happening . When I finally did I couldn’t process it, I didn’t want to process it. Then I became angry at everything and everyone . In the process I hurt not only those around me but myself . In fact there’s no one I’ve hurt more than myself . The anger was the most destructive . Mostly because it is overpowering to the point that you end up wrecking more havoc then you initially intended . I lashed out until it felt like I had nothing left . Once the turbulent anger filled phase slowly came to an end , the sadness and regret kicked in. For the first time I could see the damage I had caused clearly . It was neatly packaged in scars on my thighs, forearms and wrists . In pitch dark memories and my conscious screaming , what on earth did you do . It was the silence and empty inboxes because I didn’t have anyone close to me left . It was a google history filled with pill combinations and ways to end the pain permanently. It was brutal and the rudest of awakenings . This conundrum of events insured that the sadness wasn’t shallow . It ensured that the sadness at times hit even harder than the anger . It came with tear stained pillowcases and a feeling of deadness one would have to have lived through to ever begin to imagine . It came with giving up the photography that calmed me and the writing that helped me escape to any universe I wanted to create . The sadness blocked all imaginable entrances . In the process I lost my ability to see light that wasn’t tainted with darkness
What has your life become ?
One big beautiful joke
I’m the only one in on it
All I ever wanted was happiness
Now it’s some empty word that lies in the air laughing at me
I’m tired of living for nothing but a possibility
And maybe this pain
Is the price you pay for supporting the dreams of people who never supported your own.
“The problem is feeling alone in a room crowded with people I love “ – ruby dhal