The art of letting go

Let go”sometimes you have to smell the roses no matter how many times they make you sneeze”

Let go. I want to let go of everything. E v e r y t h i n g. Every broken dream every gut wrenching scream. Burn every tear stained pillowcase and take away every heartfelt letter I ever wrote to the fake friends I once cared for. I want to let go of the scars. Of the scissors  and memories that left them. I want to burn like a wild fire until everything inside me is consumed and what’s left is a whole human being and not the broken little girl no one could figure out. I want to let go of all the useless human beings who dragged negativity into my life and burnt down the hope that once floated in me. Let go of the flashbacks of staring out the dirty windows of classrooms and wondering if the end of hell could come sooner. I want to let go of the people I gave a chance only from them to rip it away from me. Let go of every worthless thought and every moment that left me distraught. Let go of the fact that no, I may never find someone willing to love as deeply as I do or care as deeply as I do. Let go of the fact that all the good is also being crushed and the bad is seeping in to the parts I once considered ok. Let go of the possibility of a real strong friendship that I had actually began to believe exists. Let go of the heartache and the playlist on my phone entitled pain. Try and breathe a different air other than one labeled negative. Let go of how hard I tried to reinvent myself. Of the sleepless nights and heartbreaking cries that pushed me forward even if I winced in pain with every step until walking turned into crawling. Cover the walls of my room with the words ‘I’m sorry’ but not to anyone else but myself. Let go of the never  ending facade that followed me around everyday. Let go of my never ending desire to please the people around me. Let go of all the times I was brutally laughed at and crumpled because I didn’t matter enough. Let go of the fact that I won’t magically meet a person who understands me.
Let go of a reality that only ever existed in my head 

The stages of depression

This world gave me way more pain than I could have ever bargained for or predicted. The denial, the grief, the anger and the sadness . That’s what the last 8 years felt like . First I didn’t understand what was happening . When I finally did I couldn’t process it, I didn’t want to process it. Then I became angry at everything and everyone . In the process I hurt not only those around me but myself . In fact there’s no one I’ve hurt more than myself . The anger was the most destructive . Mostly because it is overpowering to the point that you end up wrecking more havoc then you initially intended . I lashed out until it felt like I had nothing left . Once the turbulent anger filled phase slowly came to an end , the sadness and regret kicked in. For the first time I could see the damage I had caused clearly . It was neatly packaged in scars on my thighs, forearms and wrists . In pitch dark memories and my conscious screaming , what on earth did you do . It was the silence and empty inboxes because I didn’t have anyone close to me left . It was a google history filled with pill combinations and ways to end the pain permanently. It was brutal and the rudest of awakenings . This conundrum of events insured that the sadness wasn’t shallow . It ensured that the sadness at times hit even harder than the anger . It came with tear stained pillowcases and a feeling of deadness one would have to have lived through to ever begin to imagine . It came with giving up the photography that calmed me and the writing that helped me escape to any universe I wanted to create . The sadness blocked all imaginable entrances . In the process I lost my ability to see light that wasn’t tainted with darkness