Feelings

It’s a shame that some things simply cannot be unfelt

What would you tell your younger self?

If you could go back and say something to your younger self what would it be?

Firstly I’d give her the biggest and longest hug because she didn’t get those enough.and I’d tell her

” it’s going to be ok . A storm will come but you will be ok. Never forget that. No matter how bad it gets. And trust me it will get bad. But you will get through it because you will never let the fire within you stop burning completely ”

What would you tell your younger self if you could ?

Sometimes things don’t change

Some things never change

I wrote this when I was 16. My handwriting would always get crooked whenever I wrote while I cried . Whenever the ink looks lighter I know I would have full on broken down and my hand would be shaking . The faint stains at the bottom right of the page are tear stains .

10 years of mental torture

Nearly 10 years of mental torture . I didn’t think I’d still be playing this sick game . What kept me going was the hope that today would be better. It’s not. I just re-read my journals from 5 years ago and it’s like I just keep reliving the same nightmare . I don’t know how much more I can take

Signing your life away to pain

A week ago, one of my best friends said her parents noticed she wasn’t coping emotionally and asked if she needed help. She told me she declined because she felt it would be too much for them. I encouraged her to get the help because their offering and not all parents notice and offer. I know that because I’ve experienced the latter. people don’t really understand how hard it is to ask for help, so I just feel like the idea of people you love insisting on helping can be a great relief sometimes . Anyway the following day I decided to send her this. When I was at my worst I didn’t have anyone .

My loved ones saw me in shambles and decided to look away because it was too much for them and they didn’t want to deal with it. It convinced me that I wasn’t worth helping . This particular dear friend of mine, wasn’t there for me at my worst. But I get it. We were kids and she was convinced I was being over dramatic. She found a way to change the topic or just drop it every time I brought up my mental health until I decided to not bring it up. The last few years have been hard for her. I’ve tried to be there for her the way I wished she would have been for me. Because now I’m the “strong friend” that apparently doesn’t need to be checked on

Anyway this is what I sent her ”

“Also I thought about what you said about not wanting to get help their offering cause the damage is done and u don’t want to create problems. Kinda like when a mirror or lemme use your jagged phone screen 😂

The first time your screen cracks and it still works, so it doesn’t bother you too much. It still functions ., you can still do everything important . You know it’s broken but it’s more convenient then breaking bank on a new iPhone or replacing the whole screen cause it’s realllly expensive . But if you keep dropping it, the cracks are going to spread . Soon shards of glass will start popping off. Again, you may still be able to use it but not without cutting yourself or making the cracks get worse. Eventually , you won’t be able to use your phone at all. It may still be reparable but not as cheap as it would have been if you had done something earlier. If you hadn’t settled because you could use it and because you couldn’t or didn’t want to bare the cost.

Everyone talks about how they don’t wanna feel anymore . And how they just want everything to pause . The emptiness may feel somewhat bearable and maybe even calming . But the cracks are spreading . It won’t always be as glamorous as desirable . One day you’ll wanna turn everything back on and the switch will keep tripping. The shards of glass will keep cutting you everytime you touch your screen.

So really, what are you so afraid of losing that you haven’t lost already?

You’re putting your sanity on the line for what? To save everyone the trouble?

I understand that technically no one can force u to get help. They could tie you up and put u in hospital or a treatment center but until you actually want it and believe you are worth of it, it won’t happen.

Don’t sign your life away to pain when people throw you a whole rope

If you can’t do it for yourself today, do it for your younger self. Do it for the kid that saw things as a bad day & not a bad life. Do it for the little shiru that had dreams and that felt everything because turning off happiness for the sake of not feeling sadness was never an option.

And it doesn’t have to be now .”

Things change

Nothing hurts more than having to lie to the only person who ever made you feel Comfortable enough to tell the truth. But that was then and this is now

Tired

So tired I could cry

Hard happiness

To be happy for everyone around you while watching your own world crash and no one care is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn to do

Recovery is hard

It’s hard to recover when you’re still living a lie. When you still parade this perfectly crafted facade which makes it nearly impossible for people to see the real you . If you still need to lie to everyone you know how on earth do you recover . How do you tell the truth to others when you can barely say it to yourself

Things I was good at

And they will never know how much it hurts to still love something you don’t believe you’re good at anymore . Especially when it was the only thing you were good at